And I guess I'm not going to trivia

I'm going to trivia tonight.
It's 6pm and I'm dressed and ready.

A postdoc from the lab has been staying with me for the past three weeks and he arrives home as I'm about to leave.

He asks "How did your thingy go today?"

I reply "I don't know.  They said they would call me."

And then I look down at my phone and see that my Dr's office is calling.  How about that?

Me:  This is Jamie.

My PA:  Hi Jamie.  I happen to be at the office late and your MRI came in and we took a look at it and your MRI is different.  You need someone to drive you to the ER.

Me:  Now?

PA:  Right now.

Me:  Um.  Okay.

My PA:  Is there someone there we can talk to?

Me: Why yes, he just walked in.  

I hand the phone to my pal.  He assures the doctor that I won't drive myself to the ER.

My PA:  What ER is nearby?

Me: Duke 

PA:  Big Duke?

Me: Yes, Big Duke.

And I guess I'm not going to trivia.

***

Before I go to the ER I take a shower and eat cookies.  I know what I'm doing.  Twenty minutes isn't going to make a difference.

I don't want my lab friend to get roped into what could be an ordeal.  There are tons of friends I could call who would be there in a heartbeat.  I take pause because now I have to sound an alarm that feels unnecessarily dire.
I start making calls.

Ring!  Ring!  Ring!

Dana:  Hello!

Jamie:  Do you want to have an adventure tonight?

Dana (enthusiastically): Yes!  What time?  Where?

Needless to say, I delivered on adventure.

Pop Up MRI

On the drive down to the MRI I wonder if this is just a big waste of time and money.  I've really tried not to live under the threat that something might happen with my brain again.  That would be alarmist and unpleasant.  And furthermore, very very unlikely.

I take pause at the set-up where my MRI will be done.  It's like a pop-up MRI shop.

I've had enough MRI's to know that they can play music in there.  So I bring a CD (I still have some of those) and the technicians remark "This is a first" but play it.

During an MRI you just kind of lay there and it's noisy clanking sounds like someone emptying the dishwasher drunk.  Except there are barbells in the dishwasher.

Part of me thinks about what's happening with the imaging and it's kind of amazing.  Another part of me thinks "This takes 15 minutes and it's clanky.  This feels kind of primitive for 2013."

When it's done I ask "So, anything good?"

"We're technicians, not doctors."

I wait for a copy of my CD.  Based on last time I learned to keep your own records.  I'm told that they'll get the images over to my doctor and I'll hear back in a day or so.

Kind of anticlimactic.  I'm not sure what outcome I want or what outcomes are possible.  On one hand it would be nice to know that there's a legitimate reason I've been feeling woozy.  But, that legitimate reason might not be so nice.  

Kind of like when you gain weight and think "Well, maybe it's just because I'm pregnant."  And you're sort of happy to have an explanation for the poundage but then you remember that you think you might be pregnant.

Scheduled

Some insurance confusion but MRI is scheduled for tomorrow.  This was one of many points in the process when I might have thought  "This is just too annoying and I don't really feel that bad.  F it."

And that settles it.

Still feel lousy.  Call PA’s office to schedule an MRI. 

Jamie:  I think I should get an MRI, right?

Nurse:  I would.

And that settles it.

Cookie Party.

I rested all day to be able to attend.  I love Diane's cookies.

This happens like three times

I get out of bed and I vomit on a towel. 

And then again in the bathroom. 

I go back to bed.  

This happens like three times.

I had one glass of wine.  This is ridiculous.  Is this what drinking is going to be in my 30’s? 

Getting out of bed was repeatedly unpleasant so the remainder of the day is spent in bed.

I had three invites for holiday parties this night.  I cancel them all. 

And it’s Girl’s Night with some climbing gals

I have one glass of wine over the course of five hours. 

PA

Never heard back from the neurologist but I got an appointment with my PA today.  She gives me the sobriety test neuro exam and I do a fantastic job.  In heels, no less (I’m in heels.  My PA is wearing clogs).

The plan is for me to take anti-vertigo medication for a few days and get a blood test.   They will issue an order for an MRI for next week and cancel it if need be.

I leave the office feeling woozy which I attribute to the taking of the blood.  I sit outside the elevator bank for a solid 15 minutes until I feel OK driving.  I wonder if I’m just a bit depressed.  Or hungry.

Hold

I call one of the neurologists who I met with in 2009.  I’m on hold for quite some time.  I finally speak to someone who informs me that because my appointment was over three years ago I’m considered a new patient.  They will forward my phone number to the doctor’s schedulers.  I don’t have a good feeling about this.

At the shopping center across the street from the climbing gym.

Pizza.  Yum.  I’m not ready to be at home alone on a crappy day so head to a movie.  During the movie I get a voice-mail from my doctor.   He’s done some research and shares it with me.  He doesn’t say it but I think he’s a touch more concerned than he was before that this has something to do with my brain.  But he's not telling me to go to the ER.  

Vertigo

12.7.23 TRC Morrisville, mid afternoon

I decide to bury my brain thoughts and just climb.  Just relax, just climb, just follow, just breath.  

My second climb includes an under-hang.  As I place my hands on the holds things start to feel a bit surreal.  And when I get to the under-hang I experience something that might have been Vertigo. 

“Down.  Down.  Down”  These are not climbing terms.  This is Jamie.  Scared.

My tone is such that my belayer lowers me immediately and I bury my head in my shoulders to untie myself and hide the impending tears. 

My belayer gets me a Gatorade and I explain my concerns.  Then I say  ‘I’m done climbing for today.   And I think I’m going to stop running and working out for a bit too.  And, I want to go to Ruckus and order a pizza with pepperoni and pineapple and eat as much of it as I want.”  I had been trying to cut down on mindless eating this month but I wanted to rule out all factors that could contribute to dizziness.  So, I don’t care if Barb already made me lunch.  I’m having it again.

I send a text to my psychiatrist (yeah, I have one of those) because I need the judgment of someone with more medical background than me and I have this guy’s cell phone.   We talk and he advises me to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and to see a neurologist on Monday.  He also speculates on possible non-brain causes for dizziness including ear infection.  I feel much calmer having spoken with him.   And I’m excited about pizza.

Fake Starbucks in Target

12.7.13 Target, early afternoon

I have plans to climb mid-afternoon.  In between climbing and running I go to Target to get some supplies for a work project.  I feel a bit overwhelmed in the store but it’s a rainy Saturday during the holidays so of course the store makes me weary.  I sit in the fake Target Starbucks and read a book.  Then I just drive to the climbing gym and sleep in the backseat for a half hour.

Now that the brain question has been planted I’m feeling a bit anxious.   I feel funny but I’m not sure if it’s the anxiety or what.

Tasty Shake for Lunch

12.7.13 Saturday Morning

Run with Barb in the morning.  I’m still feeling a bit dizzy and I say so. 

Barb:  “Do you think it has anything to do with your brain?”

My thoughts stop in their tracks (my feet do not - I keep running).  I think Barb just brought to surface something I must have been thinking about on some level.

After our run, Barb makes me a really tasty shake.  Apparently this shake has the nutritional and caloric content to constitute a meal.  So, I call it lunch.

Out of Alignment

Barb and I run again.  I find that I'm wanting to veer off the path like a car out of alignment.  I'm pulling.

It’s been a long time since I’ve gone running.  I'm breaking my body back into it.  

I guess.

Wobble Gobble

I run 8K on Thanksgiving and feel wobbly afterwards.  

That’s reasonable, right? 

I mean, it's an 8K.

I wrote a blog post for work.

World fame, here I come.
http://advanced-hindsight.com/2013/11/25/how-we-trained-for-the-color-run/

Cheers II

Bottom Five


1)  Showing up at London Fashion Week in a fleece.

Yeah, I just didn't think that one through.



2)  Having to use a crappy Android loaner phone with very expensive (as in use in emergencies only) access.  And, it had a crap camera.

I think a smart phone can facilitate better adventures than the adventures I had because I was without a smart phone.   

Plus, I got like 25 messages when I landed that really should have come through anywhere.  My phone sounded like a Vegas slot machine.



3)  I speak the language 

Actually, I don't.  I think I would have preferred a totally foreign language where I have no idea what was going on rather than being lured into the comfort of a shared language and then totally thrown off by the influence of context and culture.  This isn't just cute things like "tube" versus "subway" and "lift" versus "elevator."  It's deeper.  I can't quite describe the difference.  But I felt it.



4)  Underwhelming Food 

Maybe better to access to "Yelp" would have helped (see #2).  And, not having lunch in a government cafeteria.  There have to be good places to eat but I could not find them.  I never left a meal with that "Ah, good.  Yum" feeling.  Eating was a way to address hunger but it brought no satisfaction otherwise.

And porridge?  Even I can make oatmeal without messing it up.  


5)  Shoes 

I brought sneakers, black high heels, brown high heels and my climbing shoes. Something in between sneakers and high heels would have been a good idea.  I considered buying comfort shoes but given that I could make due with what I had, I didn't.  And generally: comfortable = ugly.

Cheers

I've been in London for the past two weeks working at the cabinet office with the Beh@vior@l Insights Te@m. 


Top Five


1)  I felt like I was on The West Wing

I was surrounded by very savvy civil servants.  I gave everyone a West Wing alter ego.  I was Ainsley Hayes - because I arrived later in the series and have a slightly different point of view (though not a Republican one) and I'm smart and beautiful.  

This is Will Bailey.

2) Boozeonomics

3) I was snack free.  For the first week, anyway.  

This has nothing to do with any will-power or resolve.  The vending machine just didn't take money.  It required a special card.  By the start of week two I figured it out.

4) Flatmates

I used AirBnB for some of the trip.  I bonded with my flatmates.  We watched the series finale of both Dexter and Breaking Bad.  Those shows were the culmination of hours and hours of watching.  Sharing those moments created an instant bond.

I feel like such a poser saying flatmates.  And loo.  And cheers.  And tube.

5) Banksy  

I'm a bad tourist.  So, I gave some structure to my walks around London.  I bought an app that told me where to find Banksy art.  I'm very happy when I have a mission.

Why I Might Not Be A Good Social Scientist: Reason #6

Because when I meet an rockstar social scientist the only thing I think to ask is "Can I get a picture with you?"

On Saturday I'll be about 270 miles from Durham

Durham England, that is.

But she's got the urge for going
So I guess she'll have to go
She gets the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
All her empire's falling down
And winter's closing in.
And I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
And summertime is falling down. 

The first thing I think to myself is "It finally happened. I got hit by a car."

I am pretty good at coming up with reasons why I can't go running. Despite my best efforts I could not think of a reason this morning.  So, I decided to take a quick spin around the block.

Generally I'm pretty assertive about getting the right of way when I have it.  And as a pedestrian I generally do have it.  But when I see a mother and a stroller on the sidewalk ahead of me I decide to get out of the way.  Even though the stroller has wheels that seems way more suited for off-roading than my barely sneakers.

Boom.

I'm on the ground.  The first thing I think to myself is "It finally happened.  I got hit by a car." I'm not hoping to get hit by a car or anything.  But, between my pedestrianism and occasional space-case-ness  I just wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

I did not get hit by a car.  I just tripped.  Probably over myself.  I think some of the sidewalk is embedded in my left hand.  I grip my hand like I'm climbing.  The climbing part of my hand is okay.

The most damage?  My phone.  For years I swore by my indestructible Otter Box and then one day I was like "This thing is so ugly." and I got a normal case.

This is my phone.  It still works.  I'm tempted to bump into someone and drop my phone and make that person feel really bad.  But I'm not that cruel. 

I am a certified lead climber

There is a tag on my climbing harness that says so.

Follow me now, bitches.

An Israeli on Hanukah and Christmas

"As for Hanukah, well basically Christmas ruin it forever, since it is like Christmas only much much less fun, so it is all good until you are expose to that filthy old Santa and you realize there is a world out there..."

Academic: Noun or Adjective?

All industries have lingo and titles that shortcut where you exist in your organization.  There's certainly some value in this.

So, schools.  To me the term "academic" refers to someone who is in school, seeking a degree or professor position.  I am none of these things.

Still, I feel dopey when asked "Are you an academic?" and I say no.  

Ask and answer the question yourself out loud "Are you an academic?  No"

See what I mean?



Note:
I have this sinking feeling there might be an egregious error in this post and I'm not sure if that undermines whatever I meant to say in this post or supports it.